killing me softly

So last night I took poison. And tonight I will do the same.

This is supposed to make me get better.

I avoided chemo with my cancer, but now I’ve got a truly magnificent case of psoriasis. And psoriatic arthritis. And to make my immune system settle down and stop fighting my own skin, chemo it is. Methotrexate, to be precise. With three pages of patient warnings that I actually read, even though the font is teensy.

To coin an original phrase, this sucks. Hopefully it will suck less than waking up frantically scratching in the middle of the night. Hopefully it will suck less than needing help putting on a bra.

Hopefully it will suck less than being The Human Snowglobe.

At this point, poison seems to be the lesser of a stack of evils. I might lose my hair. I might get a legendary case of nausea. I might have beneficial change at the cellular level that results in a complete remission of the patterned afghan that my skin has become.

What scares me most about all of this is the tiredness. Fatigue makes it hard to care. And not caring makes it hard to fight. Energy is welcome. And since giving up coffee had no effect on this crap at all…so is Mr. Java.

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3 thoughts on “killing me softly

  1. I have had all kinds of gastrointestinal issues since my hysterectomy over five years ago. It seems I have IBS, an autoimmune disease. I have come to my own conclusion that our bodies get a little pissed off when we yank out our reproductive organs, even when they are cancerous. I wish you all the luck in a speedy recovery. I have no words of wisdom except to keep your sense of humor and have a cup of coffee.

  2. I am so sorry that you have to go through all this, it is amazing what we have to do to our bodies in the name of a cure. This is a time to be good to yourself, rest if you need to, give yourself permission to let some things go, do what makes you happy. This is a process and you will get through it, it will change you, you will learn how strong your body is and what you are able to withstand. I wish you, revived health and a renewed spirit, take care…Michele

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